You sat at the kitchen table tonight in your sweatpants and socks, eating warm chocolate chip cookies we made together, you laughed and laughed at each other while the music played.
I stopped to breathe.
Comfort.
I live in moments in my head sometimes. I can listen as my mind tells everything to slow down, and just be. This life that we are given, isn't really made for living this way.
It is always a race.
A checklist.
Something always needs to be done, and or a need always needs to be met.
The moments that are stressful, emotional, and hard are wished away.
You move with time and suddenly you realize how much of it has gone by, and the checklist, the extra work, the person you were trying to please...doesn't really matter!
In the morning on my way to work I often listen to a playlist of songs devoted to you, my kids.
There is one song that brings me back to rocking twin babies in my arms. We were all crying. I didn't know what to do. We had been up all night. I remember thinking about how badly I wanted this to pass, and also how badly I wanted to live in that moment for as long as possible. I thought I was broken...
Uncomfortable Comfort.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise"
Life is a race. No matter how hard you try, it seems one always yearns for what will come next.
I've done this, we've all done this. life is exciting, and fun, and part of living it to the fullest is being excited to wake up and do it again each day. The, "looking forward" is what is so joyous.
We often look too far forward and don't fully enjoy the now. The silly things that pass the time. The moments that seem just normal and not worth savoring.
"Take these sunken eyes and learn to see"
My whole body aches when I hear this song. I was trying to savor the pure exhaustion, love, and joy that just being alive felt like then. My body was miserable but, my heart was so incredibly full and my love for you was so fresh. My brain did only what it knew to do; make a memory. I was not broken, in fact, I was just learning how to see.
Comforting
Jack does this new thing where he runs, arms wide open, basically jumping into you, to give you a hug. This won't last forever. It makes my stomach actually ache to watch you grow up, and move past moments like this. I make memories of you all, in the little moments, those mean the most to me.
My Comforts.
I hope that I can teach you how to live this way. I hope that you embrace the slow. I hope that even during hard parts of life, there are comforts and memories being made. I hope that the life you are already living is full of beautiful memories that make you ache with love and emotion. That is what life is, at least that is what it is for me.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise."
All my love,
Mom
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