Gentle

I love to listen to your voice and the way you say your r's and your w's. 

I love it when you want to show me something that you are proud of. 

Your dimples still kill me. 

I love watching you dance and sing, and get so silly that we all crack up with you. 

I love it when you grab my hand when you're a little unsure 

I love how you pull me into your bed, wrap me around your body, and give me a tight squeeze. 

You turned 7 today!

Tonight, we watched a few videos from your past birthdays. I heard your tiny voice and watched your sweet face shine with joy. 

It made me ache. 

You are growing so fast, and sometimes it's hard to hold on to the moments. The days just fly. 

Do you know how loved you are? 

The most precious, delicate part of you that I love the most is your gentle heart. Songs make you weepy, stories break your heart, and movies have the power to shatter you. 

When you turn 18, all of these love letters will be delivered to you. I wonder how you will feel about this sweet boy you are reading about. I hope that the world doesn't snatch away your gentleness and empathy. I hope that the world evolves with you, and this is something that manhood can be. Something you are proud of, a superpower you hold dear. 

Nothing in this life stays the same. You won't always mispronounce your r sounds. At some point, you will stop reaching for my hand. You won't be pulling me into your bed in the morning before high school to give me a morning squeeze. I know this to be true.

My greatest hope for you is that your life can be filled with love and joy and kindness. That people enter your life to guide you and fill your heart. I hope that because of all of this, opportunities come your way, making your life a grand adventure. I hope these things happen because you never lost that superpower you had as a little boy, to love, and to show love to others.

You will grow and change and try some things out to see what fits. Styles will come and go, things will fit for a while, but then get too tight, you may try something on that is just too big or doesn't work for you. You'll figure out what does work for you.

 Just know that at your core, you have the power to love deeply and love others deeply; you always have. Your gentle heart is the greatest gift you could have been given. I hope you wear it with pride! 

Happy 7th birthday to my little boy! 

All my love, 

Mom 

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Gentle

The Longest Night of the Year

 The Winter Solstice is the longest night of the year. People talk about this day as a turning point and a celebration that we are moving out of darkness and toward light. No metaphor there, this is exactly what this night meant to my life. The universe planned it this way for us.

There was a life before you, a long season of searching, and a sense of sadness and loneliness I didn’t even realize I was carrying. And then there was the life that began when you arrived, a life filled with light. It was abrupt, wild, and intense. You made my heart explode and suddenly made life feel worthwhile. These two tiny babies made me see myself, for the first time, as someone who had value.

I held onto motherhood with a death grip in those early years. Yes, because I loved you, but also because something inside me had turned on. I thought it was the motherhood button everyone talks about. 

You were made to be a mom.

At 7:23 and 7:24 p.m. on December 21st, I did what felt unthinkable for me. I went into a surgical room alone, had a giant needle put into my spine, and was told that I was brave. My whole life, I had believed I wasn’t brave at all. I had been afraid of everything for as long as I could remember. I didn’t understand until much later that what I feared most was being alone. And there I was, afraid and alone.

Except I wasn’t really alone. You were both with me. Your dad was on his way, and the room was filled with doctors and nurses; twin deliveries draw quite a crowd. Still, I felt alone and scared. You know the rest of the story now. You arrived healthy, impossibly tiny, the smallest babies we had ever seen. Precious in every way.

People came to visit. We were moved to a room upstairs. And then it was just us again, on the longest night of the year. Even now, when I close my eyes, I can see it clearly. The room was dark except for the hallway light trying to spill in. Dad was asleep beside us. You were peaceful, but I needed to hold you, to feel you close. I held you for most of that night, just us girls. The longest night of the year.

It takes 365 days to return to this day. I understand how time works, but time has never felt as it did that first night with you. What I thought was motherhood completing me was actually my awakening. I could live now. No more loneliness and secret sadness. I wasn't made to be a mom, 

I was made to be fully me.

We have all been doing this work. For ten years, you have been creating the people you are: brave, smart, and generous with the love you give to the world. I am so proud of who you are. I hope you know it's ok to be afraid, but to never let it hold you back. Those scary things will always bring growth and perspective to your life! You are the only person who gets to live your life, live it with intention, and let your whole self shine through! 

Every year, I find quiet, dark, and warm just as we did that first night. And I am reminded of how change can be gentle, intentional, and full of promise. As you grow up, I hope this night will always be a reminder of transformation and light as you continue to grow into,

 whoever you will be. 

All my love, 

Mom 

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The Longest Night of the Year

Will you still love me when I'am 6?

 I remember the night before you were born so clearly because I was so terrified I wouldn't be able to love you as equally as I loved the girls. 

You rocked our world when we discovered you were growing inside me. We were under the impression that we couldn't make a baby without a doctor. I felt consistently sick. I joked and told your Dad I felt pregnant and should just take a test...

Joy. 

I fully enjoyed your companionship for those 9 months we were together. Just you and I, no one to share our bond with. 

6 years ago, I remember being so excited and ready to meet you. However, I was scared that I didn't have enough mom left in me for another baby. 

The girls got a different mom than you got. They got a brand new, very young mom. They got a mom who had recently gone through loss, fertility treatments, and the unknown of whether it was even possible. They got the mom who wanted to be there for every second and make everything perfect and right and good. 

You had the mom who had grown up a little, who had a new sense of confidence, who had navigated two babies at one time, and who was ready to love more than she knew she could. 

Both good. 

Both versions of me. 

We met in silence. When they held you up over me, not a sound came out of you or anyone else. We looked into each other's eyes. You were meant for me, just as the girls were. Your love was written into my soul, and it has been pouring out of me since that moment. 

Tonight, when I tucked you in, you asked me the funniest question. You asked, "Is sleep panic disorder real?" Then you pretended to fall asleep and wake up, sitting up, screaming. I said, "Oh my goodness, I am not sure!" We laughed, and I told you that this was the last day that I would love you as a 5-year-old. Your response was so perfect, "Will you still love me when I am 6? What about 24 and 83?

I'll love you forever, every stage, every version, everything. 

Happy Birthday special boy!

All my love, 

Mom 

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Will you still love me when I'am 6?

It's nice to meet you

 You were a few hours old, nine years ago today at about this time. The first time they plopped your little bundled bodies on my chest, I felt your weight against me, I could hear your voice, and I could see you! I looked right into your perfect tiny face. Ava was first, with Ella rushing to her side in less than a minute. We were introduced this way, it was like meeting your best friend for the first time.  A little awkward and a little unsure of who we were going to be. 

Within moments of holding you, I noticed differences in you both, Ava's piercing stare and the roundest, softest cheeks I'd ever seen. Ella had the softest bunny fur hair.  I loved rubbing my cheeks against it when I held her. I talked and sang to you and held you. I stared into your precious faces for hours into the night of your birthday. 

Meeting you nine years ago was a gift. You are gifts, but in people form. You have gifted me a forever connection that brings me such deep joy and meaning. Watching you grow each year is the absolute most amazing thing I've ever experienced in my life. The greatest part is getting to meet who you become each year. You grow, you learn, and you change so much in a year. 

This year has been a year of growth. Both of you have tried new things basketball and cheerleading for Ella and a theater class for Ava. You started in a new school building, with all new teachers. You made new friends. You began to talk about what you value and what you think is important. 

Being a part of this growth and change sometimes feels like the first time they plopped you on my chest. Sometimes, we have to stare at each other for a while. Sometimes, we have to talk things out, think things through, and course correct. You know, Mom and daughter meeting each other, both not knowing who we will be. As I grow and change with you, there are so many times I fall short. 

I want to give you the gift of true, unwavering love and belonging. I want you to know that it wasn't just "nice to meet you", it was the greatest gift of my life to meet you. Even as we navigate the ever-changing moments and episodes of our years together. I want you to never doubt your place, your voice, and your value in this family. I don't just love you, I like you! You are fun, funny, smart, and generous. I enjoy being with you, and I love talking to you. I love hearing your thoughts and your feelings. That will never change.

It was so nice to meet you nine years ago. I look forward to continue meeting you each year of your lives.

All my love, 

Mom 

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It's nice to meet you

You are valuable

 Tomorrow starts a new school year. Jack you start Kindergarten and girls you will be 3rd graders in a new building. New challenges, new people, new atmospheres. It will all be new. 

School has been such a wonderful place for you girls so far, you have grown as individuals, and I love watching you learn and grow as people. We are excited to hear about Jack's first day and watch as he grows this year. 

While I love your growing minds and your education, I love your growing character more. 

My wish this year is that my 3rd graders do not struggle with the anxiety of not being "smart enough" to pass a test. Your value is not measured by a test score. It is not my end goal to "grow up" test passers. It is my goal to help you grow up to be aware of your value without basing it on tests or really any accolade. School can be a great place and can produce students that thrive. It has been that for us so far. I hope as the years go on the pressure to have high test scores, adhere to all of the rules and please everyone else doesn't take away from your own intrinsic wants. I hope that you just want your test scores to show what you know. I hope that you find value in being respectful to others because you want to form meaningful relationships. And, lastly for you to have the self-assurance to know that your job is to please yourself before worrying about anyone else's opinion. 

After getting you fed, getting to open house, packing your lunches laying out your outfits, getting showers, and having a few minutes snuggled in bed together. I tucked you all in and spent a little extra time on each of you. Ella, you needed to hear from me that you are not compared to your sister. You do well in school and I am proud of you for being who you are. Your empathy and compassion for people is your superpower. Ava, you needed to hear that it is ok to be nervous and nervous feelings sometimes make us treat the people we love not very nicely. You needed to hear that hard moments won't take my love away, even when I react and am upset. My love is not something that needs to be earned. Jack, you needed to hear that you are special, kind, and a great listener. You needed to hear that the unknown is a great adventure to be had and you are so lucky to get to go on that adventure tomorrow. 

I tucked you in and did the last few night-before-school things. I sat down to write this and opened and shut it twice. Sometimes, I tell myself that my thoughts aren't worth writing down, or I have so many other things that need done nothing that I could possibly say is more important than my list. 

These letters are for you. We will always have pictures but the words from the people who "grew you up" and loved you most, seem so much more important once I see them on paper. 

To another year of growth, adventure, and learning who we are. You are so loved and your lives are valuable no matter what you do or how you perform.

All my love,

Mom

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You are valuable

5

I tucked you in last night in your footy pajamas. I told you, this would be the last time that you would ever be 4 years old. I was right, you know. You woke up and were magically different! Another whole year had passed, and now you had officially been on this planet for 5 whole years. There is something quite wild about turning 5. 

You have some new responsibilities coming your way, at 5 years old. You officially have to go to school now. You have to take all of the things that we have taught you so far, and go into the world for roughly 7 hours a day, without us, and learn who you are.  

5 seems so grown up, for such a little boy to be! 

We went to Chuck E. Cheese tonight to celebrate. It's a Wednesday, and we stayed out past your bedtime. We celebrated knowing you. We celebrated how much we love you. We celebrated how amazing your little life is and how you've changed all of ours. We celebrated being together. We celebrated that you turned 5 years old today. 

I watched you run around tonight. It felt different. You run different now. I listened to you talk and visit with your grandparents. You've matured, you make us laugh! I watched you smile while we sang you happy birthday and could still place that perfect dimple in your cheek. I whispered Happy Birthday in your ear when I handed you a piece of cake, you whispered back, "I love you mom!" 

No matter how many years pass, how many things change. You will always be the sweetest boy I've ever known.

All my love, 

Mom

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5

You are more than one thing

I've spent this year reading a lot. I am fascinated with learning how to understand emotion, our brains, development and growth. 

One of the things that strikes me every time I read is that; a person's temperament is present at birth. It's interesting to think back to when you were brand new tiny babies to now, and I can see both of your temperaments very clearly. We all could see them. I found myself saying things like, "well, she's been entertaining us since birth", or "she has always been cautious and curious".  As I continue to read these books and articles about the brain and children. I also have come to realize, that the brain changes throughout our whole life based on experiences, education, and relationships. Seeing you in one way like, your temperament, is silly! In 8 years, you have already experienced an array of beauty and adventure that many have not. You go to a great school, and have had wonderful experiences with your teachers, that have helped you to grow. You are gaining friendships and are beginning to understand the beauty and emotion that go into being in a family. 

I still can see that same day 1 temperament, 8 years later. But, you as people are growing and changing and feeling new things everyday. 

This past year was a year for the books, in my opinion. So, many wonderful adventures were had! So many wonderful people have come into your life and I've seen you both blossom into yourself on your own terms. Not as twins, but as separate people. This year was a hard year for sibling rivalry. In becoming your own people you have found what you need and do not need from people. We have had to really rethink the idea of what is "fair" and instead try to understand we are all on the same team, wanting what's best for everyone on this team. We have worked really hard on repairing when we have hard moments and talking through hard things, and listening when it's hard. 

I've watched really exciting accomplishments in gymnastics, golf, and basketball happen this year! I've listened when it was really hard to want to go to rehearsal, and then watched you push through and perform on a stage. This year real grades have come home and we've worked on teaching you that your grades and your accomplishments are yours and while we are always proud, our opinion shouldn't matter as much as your own opinion on how you feel about your work! This isn't always easy when sometimes papers come home with not great grades. We are working on that together though.

The last thing and maybe the most wonderful thing that I have really noticed this year in both of you is your empathy for others. Asking your Uncle to please stop the car in downtown Akron to give the homeless man your left over spaghetti. Noticing a little girl crying at a parade because she didn't get any candy and giving her your candy. These little things that happen without my influence are the most special. This is what matters most to me. I want you to be aggressive and play hard on the basketball court but, I also am the mom that wants you to notice when someone falls, and asks if they are ok. 

You are more than your temperament, you will ALWAYS be more than one thing! I am so proud of who you are today and of who you are becoming each day! I love everything about you both! 

Happy 8th Birthday to my Ava and Ella! 

All my love, 

Mom

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You are more than one thing