Last night, I held your head in my hands, laying it close to mine, as I rested my head on your head. I gently kissed your soft cheeks and asked if you knew how loved you were. On the day you were born I did the same. The emotions of this day come flooding back each year. Your birthday was my awakening. Your lives gave me life, and continue to every day.
When I was a little girl, I was terrified of having babies and swore that I would never have them. When I was a little girl I didn't really know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Maybe an astronaut, or an artist, or a teacher. As I grew up, I chose to be a teacher and knew it was the right choice fo me. I never had actually thought that I would be a Mom, because of my fear.
Well, then something changed in me. I wasn't afraid anymore, at least not of having a baby. No, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to have a baby. I wanted to be a Mom. I wanted it more than anything I'd ever wanted in my life. It flooded my system and my heart!
I ached for you.
I cried for you.
I needed you.
Ella just asked us last week where babies come from. All I said was, "science." Ella said, "I think there has to be a mom and a dad right?"I again just left if at science and then I added, love.
In our case, we had a lot of love. Dad and I loved each other, our families loved us but, that wasn't all we needed to have you. We needed doctors and science to turn our love, and hopes into the miracle of you both!
See, the love that I have for you started quite a bit longer than just 5 years ago. My love for you started, on a random Fall morning, at a scary doctors appointment, closer to 7 years ago. My love for you started as the fleeting hope of ever getting to meet you...
Time went on, my heart broke a couple of times, I hoped and prayed and wished. I did everything the doctor told me to do. And then, one Spring morning in a dark doctors office room we met you. We heard you, we heard the beating of your hearts. I breathed deep and felt a rush of love come over my body. This is yes, when your Dad blubbered like a baby in front of everyone at the doctors office.
Your beating hearts, your lives, were my biggest hopes and dreams.
Fast forward 36.5 weeks, fast forward through discomfort and swelling, not sleeping, and back pain. Fast forward to this day 5 years ago. Me telling your Dad that I didn't need to go to the hospital. Me crying alone in our house as I packed a bag for the hospital. The fear had crept back. The fear of having babies and not knowing what that was like. But, also the fear of being a good mom, the fear of being enough for you, the fear of knowing what the heck to do with twin babies! I cried, and I wanted my mom.
I don't think I stopped crying once we got to the hospital. I couldn't control it really. Between my Mom, and your Dad, I got into the operating room.
I was alone, with a bunch of random nurses and doctors. I was so scared. My doctor came in and hugged me and said, "It will all be alright, I will take care of you and these babies, you will be a mommy in just a few minutes!" I got myself under control for those few minutes. And, she was right, in just a few minutes you came!
The tears wouldn't stop coming then, and don't think they ever have. I am a Mom. I am your Mom. I am so proud of you and have loved you for longer than you've been alive. Your lives are precious and magical. Your hearts are perfect and sweet. Your personalities are superb and make you the coolest!
On this special birthday, I wish you love, and magic, and kindness in your next year of life and always. I wish that you can always find your true self no matter what anyone else does or tells you! I hope you always know and trust who you are!
I can't believe you are 5!
I can't believe you are here!
I love you so much!
Love always,
Mom
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