It's nice to meet you

 You were a few hours old, nine years ago today at about this time. The first time they plopped your little bundled bodies on my chest, I felt your weight against me, I could hear your voice, and I could see you! I looked right into your perfect tiny face. Ava was first, with Ella rushing to her side in less than a minute. We were introduced this way, it was like meeting your best friend for the first time.  A little awkward and a little unsure of who we were going to be. 

Within moments of holding you, I noticed differences in you both, Ava's piercing stare and the roundest, softest cheeks I'd ever seen. Ella had the softest bunny fur hair.  I loved rubbing my cheeks against it when I held her. I talked and sang to you and held you. I stared into your precious faces for hours into the night of your birthday. 

Meeting you nine years ago was a gift. You are gifts, but in people form. You have gifted me a forever connection that brings me such deep joy and meaning. Watching you grow each year is the absolute most amazing thing I've ever experienced in my life. The greatest part is getting to meet who you become each year. You grow, you learn, and you change so much in a year. 

This year has been a year of growth. Both of you have tried new things basketball and cheerleading for Ella and a theater class for Ava. You started in a new school building, with all new teachers. You made new friends. You began to talk about what you value and what you think is important. 

Being a part of this growth and change sometimes feels like the first time they plopped you on my chest. Sometimes, we have to stare at each other for a while. Sometimes, we have to talk things out, think things through, and course correct. You know, Mom and daughter meeting each other, both not knowing who we will be. As I grow and change with you, there are so many times I fall short. 

I want to give you the gift of true, unwavering love and belonging. I want you to know that it wasn't just "nice to meet you", it was the greatest gift of my life to meet you. Even as we navigate the ever-changing moments and episodes of our years together. I want you to never doubt your place, your voice, and your value in this family. I don't just love you, I like you! You are fun, funny, smart, and generous. I enjoy being with you, and I love talking to you. I love hearing your thoughts and your feelings. That will never change.

It was so nice to meet you nine years ago. I look forward to continue meeting you each year of your lives.

All my love, 

Mom 

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It's nice to meet you

You are valuable

 Tomorrow starts a new school year. Jack you start Kindergarten and girls you will be 3rd graders in a new building. New challenges, new people, new atmospheres. It will all be new. 

School has been such a wonderful place for you girls so far, you have grown as individuals, and I love watching you learn and grow as people. We are excited to hear about Jack's first day and watch as he grows this year. 

While I love your growing minds and your education, I love your growing character more. 

My wish this year is that my 3rd graders do not struggle with the anxiety of not being "smart enough" to pass a test. Your value is not measured by a test score. It is not my end goal to "grow up" test passers. It is my goal to help you grow up to be aware of your value without basing it on tests or really any accolade. School can be a great place and can produce students that thrive. It has been that for us so far. I hope as the years go on the pressure to have high test scores, adhere to all of the rules and please everyone else doesn't take away from your own intrinsic wants. I hope that you just want your test scores to show what you know. I hope that you find value in being respectful to others because you want to form meaningful relationships. And, lastly for you to have the self-assurance to know that your job is to please yourself before worrying about anyone else's opinion. 

After getting you fed, getting to open house, packing your lunches laying out your outfits, getting showers, and having a few minutes snuggled in bed together. I tucked you all in and spent a little extra time on each of you. Ella, you needed to hear from me that you are not compared to your sister. You do well in school and I am proud of you for being who you are. Your empathy and compassion for people is your superpower. Ava, you needed to hear that it is ok to be nervous and nervous feelings sometimes make us treat the people we love not very nicely. You needed to hear that hard moments won't take my love away, even when I react and am upset. My love is not something that needs to be earned. Jack, you needed to hear that you are special, kind, and a great listener. You needed to hear that the unknown is a great adventure to be had and you are so lucky to get to go on that adventure tomorrow. 

I tucked you in and did the last few night-before-school things. I sat down to write this and opened and shut it twice. Sometimes, I tell myself that my thoughts aren't worth writing down, or I have so many other things that need done nothing that I could possibly say is more important than my list. 

These letters are for you. We will always have pictures but the words from the people who "grew you up" and loved you most, seem so much more important once I see them on paper. 

To another year of growth, adventure, and learning who we are. You are so loved and your lives are valuable no matter what you do or how you perform.

All my love,

Mom

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You are valuable

5

I tucked you in last night in your footy pajamas. I told you, this would be the last time that you would ever be 4 years old. I was right, you know. You woke up and were magically different! Another whole year had passed, and now you had officially been on this planet for 5 whole years. There is something quite wild about turning 5. 

You have some new responsibilities coming your way, at 5 years old. You officially have to go to school now. You have to take all of the things that we have taught you so far, and go into the world for roughly 7 hours a day, without us, and learn who you are.  

5 seems so grown up, for such a little boy to be! 

We went to Chuck E. Cheese tonight to celebrate. It's a Wednesday, and we stayed out past your bedtime. We celebrated knowing you. We celebrated how much we love you. We celebrated how amazing your little life is and how you've changed all of ours. We celebrated being together. We celebrated that you turned 5 years old today. 

I watched you run around tonight. It felt different. You run different now. I listened to you talk and visit with your grandparents. You've matured, you make us laugh! I watched you smile while we sang you happy birthday and could still place that perfect dimple in your cheek. I whispered Happy Birthday in your ear when I handed you a piece of cake, you whispered back, "I love you mom!" 

No matter how many years pass, how many things change. You will always be the sweetest boy I've ever known.

All my love, 

Mom

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5

You are more than one thing

I've spent this year reading a lot. I am fascinated with learning how to understand emotion, our brains, development and growth. 

One of the things that strikes me every time I read is that; a person's temperament is present at birth. It's interesting to think back to when you were brand new tiny babies to now, and I can see both of your temperaments very clearly. We all could see them. I found myself saying things like, "well, she's been entertaining us since birth", or "she has always been cautious and curious".  As I continue to read these books and articles about the brain and children. I also have come to realize, that the brain changes throughout our whole life based on experiences, education, and relationships. Seeing you in one way like, your temperament, is silly! In 8 years, you have already experienced an array of beauty and adventure that many have not. You go to a great school, and have had wonderful experiences with your teachers, that have helped you to grow. You are gaining friendships and are beginning to understand the beauty and emotion that go into being in a family. 

I still can see that same day 1 temperament, 8 years later. But, you as people are growing and changing and feeling new things everyday. 

This past year was a year for the books, in my opinion. So, many wonderful adventures were had! So many wonderful people have come into your life and I've seen you both blossom into yourself on your own terms. Not as twins, but as separate people. This year was a hard year for sibling rivalry. In becoming your own people you have found what you need and do not need from people. We have had to really rethink the idea of what is "fair" and instead try to understand we are all on the same team, wanting what's best for everyone on this team. We have worked really hard on repairing when we have hard moments and talking through hard things, and listening when it's hard. 

I've watched really exciting accomplishments in gymnastics, golf, and basketball happen this year! I've listened when it was really hard to want to go to rehearsal, and then watched you push through and perform on a stage. This year real grades have come home and we've worked on teaching you that your grades and your accomplishments are yours and while we are always proud, our opinion shouldn't matter as much as your own opinion on how you feel about your work! This isn't always easy when sometimes papers come home with not great grades. We are working on that together though.

The last thing and maybe the most wonderful thing that I have really noticed this year in both of you is your empathy for others. Asking your Uncle to please stop the car in downtown Akron to give the homeless man your left over spaghetti. Noticing a little girl crying at a parade because she didn't get any candy and giving her your candy. These little things that happen without my influence are the most special. This is what matters most to me. I want you to be aggressive and play hard on the basketball court but, I also am the mom that wants you to notice when someone falls, and asks if they are ok. 

You are more than your temperament, you will ALWAYS be more than one thing! I am so proud of who you are today and of who you are becoming each day! I love everything about you both! 

Happy 8th Birthday to my Ava and Ella! 

All my love, 

Mom

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You are more than one thing

It's beautiful here

 Children all have a temperament, it's innate and something that makes them unique. 

You are the most unique child I've ever met. 

You are gentle. 

You are kind. 

You are aware. 

You are thoughtful. 

You are sweetness on top of sweetness. 

 When we went to order your cake this morning, you asked what is was like when you were a baby. I told you, it was love at first sight. I nuzzled you like a little fuzzy kitten. I swear I heard you purr. You smiled within a week of being born and showed us your perfect dimple. You were calm, you were happy, and you were pure love wrapped in a blanket. 

I've never met a child like you.

We took you on a birthday adventure to the science museum this weekend. As we got off the highway, you mistakenly took an old abandoned gas station as an ice cream shop and then saw a toilet across the street. Your response, "oh my goodness it's so beautiful here!" You were serious.  

We gave you two small gifts tonight; your response, "I thought our activities were my gifts, you guy are so generous!"

You like to play with my hair and tell me sweet things in my ear.  

When your sisters are hurting, you hurt for them. When someone in a movie cries it makes you cry. 

You just won a cupcake contest at the library and you were so genuinely proud and excited that everyone in the room melted. When you looked in your basket at your winnings you shouted, "yes, a new whisk!"

Last year, when we sang Happy Birthday to you at your family party, you got chocked up and put your hand over you mouth, like you couldn't believe you were so lucky to be sung to at a party! 

You are oh, so genuine and your emotions and reactions make others react in beautiful ways as you do.   

You are also hilarious and entertaining. Something you get from your sister Ella. 

You love to sing and be on stage. You love to dance and make us laugh.

Your sister asked you what your middle name was and you said, "Mariah Carey". You called a little girl in your acro class Karl because you didn't know her name.

You can be shy, a rule follower to a fault, and stubborn. Another trait from another sweet sister named Ava. 

When Uncle Zach took you for a special day and he said something about butts, you said, "we don't talk about butts!" 

When you are at a playground and other kids are running wild you are waiting, and waiting as kids run ahead of you. We say it's ok just go. You tell us no, that is rude. Those kids just don't know any better, I'll wait...

I could go on and on and I am sure many other family members have other sweet stories about you. Since the minute you and I locked eyes you've been my sweet boy, I knew it then, and I am continuing to learn it even more every day. 

You are unlike anyone I've ever met. I love watching you grow, you are something special! Your life and the love you give is the greatest gift we could have received. 

Like you said, "It's beautiful here," thanks for letting us come along. 

Happy Birthday sweet boy!  

All of my love, 

Mom 

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It's beautiful here

7 years!

 7 years ago you were born. Two teeny, tiny babies. 7 years ago I held you for the first time. 

The years are flying faster and faster. Year 6 was a big year! We did so many things together. You matured this year into little people. You are both so smart, funny, and fun to be with! I have loved watching you grow this year and experience each day with you. 

This year we really wanted to focus on family experiences as well as broadening and finding what interests you. We took trips, went on adventures, and you took all kinds of lessons. This was the year of karate, ice skating, singing lessons, and piano lessons. This was the year where your teeth starting falling out of your head almost monthly! This was the year you learned how to read. We got Max this year and he's become your most loyal companion. 

We went to zoos, we went to parks, we went to the library so many times I cannot even count. We took you to Disney World for the first time this year and you rode your first roller coasters! We went to New York City twice this year and saw your first show! 

Ella is insistent on wanting to be on a stage. Ella is hilariously funny, and witty, and the most generous soul. Ella is spunky and a masterful storyteller. 

Ava has said she'd like to live in New York City and be a Paleontologist at the museum. She also has mentioned being a Taxi driver, or maybe a teacher. Ava is smart, and bright, and eager to learn more. Ava is also funny and a great sister to her siblings. 

7 years ago today I turned into a Mother. I turned into a person who lives for these tiny people that look to me for guidance and direction. 7 years ago I started thinking about how to be a parent, what did that look like for me. How did I want to navigate that. We all have different styles, we all have different things that are important to us as we parent. I stumbled and fumbled around in this moment of transition. I thought I knew what it would be like. I thought wrong. 

I still stumble and fumble, every day. I still am trying to figure out how to best parent you. All I have figured out in the past 7 years is that, I love this job; mothering. This illusive vision we all have of motherhood, it is depicted as someone who looses herself for everyone else in the family. It's seen as the most selfless act in the name of love. I personally have found that, that vision we might have of what a mother should be, is sad. My mothering journey opened me up, and has awoken my soul in such a different way. This job for me forces me to look at myself, to figure out my flaws, my triggers, and how to deal with myself. This job is hard personal work.

I am a teacher and I enjoy my job very much. If you asked me 7 years ago what my dream job would be, I would defiantly have told you, to have my own classroom where I can make professional decisions and freedom to choose my instruction. It's very interesting that, that is basically the job I have now. I love my job. But, I was not made for it. I worked hard for it. If you asked me what my dream job is now, I would tell you being a mom.  

I find joy in learning and being a teacher and working. I find great value in my education and continuing to broaden that. I have goals. I have interests, and friends. I love your Dad and our relationship. I am Meghan still I am just a different version. I am not lost, in fact, I would say that I am finding who I am; a continued work in process. 

 Where I find peace and joy though, is in being with you, watching you, laughing with you. and listening to you. Giving you experiences, helping you learn about the world, and how our family treats all people.  Helping to guide you to know that whatever you choose to be, or enjoy, or whomever you chose to love is your choice. I will always love you and trust your choices because I know your hearts and hope that you will be able to choose a path that suites you and no-one else. Growing up is hard, I hope I can always help you to know who you are and who you want to be, even as you grow into adults.

7 years ago I began to grow into someone I didn't know that I could be. You have given my life the most meaning and joy. Our paths are different but we are both holding each other and growing through them. I will always be here to give you experience and follow your interests. Your beautiful lives are meant for you to live them, and live them well!  I hope I can help you do that! 

Happy 7th Birthday to my precious twins!

All my love, 

Mom  

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7 years!

My Special Baby

 I woke up 3 years ago in tears. I had no idea if I was ready. But, you were coming.

I remember your fuzzy hair and your big round eyes. You still have cheeks that I could bite off. And, oh my, that dimple! I held you and cried big, happy tears, and called you, my special baby. 

Everyone came to the hospital to meet you. You were a celebrity from the start. A precious, perfect bundle of love. 

The first night in the hospital the nurses assured me that they would come in and take you when you cried, so that I could sleep. You didn't cry for hours, basically a whole night (for a newborn). We were shocked to wake up to you next to us. I had your Dad call the nurse, I thought for sure something was wrong with you! "No", she told me, "you are just, lucky"! 

We are so lucky! You have amazed us in so many ways! You went from an infant to a toddler over night it seemed. Everyone said, "Jack seems like he should be 2!" or "How old is Jack, is he turning 4?" We blame your sisters for this! You are only 3, but can hang with the big kids without a problem. My favorite thing that you say right now is, "yesternight". You use your imagination and pretend in a fantasy world that I am so grateful you let me in! You have to say goodbye, and give hugs and kisses, at least two times before you're sure they really stuck. At bedtime, in your new big boy bed, you still only let me crawl in, to tuck you in. You give me two face kisses each night, and there is always something extra important to tell me before I close your door.

Your best friends are Henry and Aunt Julie. Your favorite color is blue. You love all things sugar. You want to be a Police Officer or Dad when you grow up. You love automobiles, dinosaurs, and of course Buzz Lightyear!

I woke up today, not in tears, I woke up today amazed that 3 years have gone by. 

You came into this world and added just the right amount of dynamite to our family. I waited my whole life to meet you, I just had no idea it was you, who I was waiting for! You are spectacular, you are my special baby, always and forever!

All my love, 

Mom

                                     

                         

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My Special Baby